She sometimes wakes up during the night and reaches for someone.
Please hold her when she does.
I know I may not be there to watch her grow up. That thought frightens me more than anything.
My mother has tried to help me. She has loved Lily every day. But I know life doesn’t always follow the plans we make.
If my mother cannot find her, and another woman gives Lily a home, please don’t feel that you have to replace me.
You don’t.
You only have to love her.
Tell her about me when she’s ready. Tell her I kissed her little hands every night. Tell her I sang to her even when I couldn’t remember all the words.
And tell her this most important thing:
She was never unwanted. She was never abandoned because she wasn’t good enough. She was loved before she was born, and she will always be loved.
If you are an older woman, please don’t believe that your age makes your love less valuable.
If you have lost children of your own, please don’t think your heart is too broken to love again.
Sometimes love doesn’t replace what we have lost.
Sometimes it gives us a reason to keep living.
Thank you for giving my little girl another tomorrow.
With all my love,
Sarah.
I couldn’t continue.
I put the letter down and covered my face.
Margaret reached across the table and held my hand.
“She would have liked you,” she whispered.
I shook my head.
“Why?”
“Because you didn’t ask what was wrong with Lily. You asked what you needed to do to bring her home.”
I started crying again.
For so many years, I had wondered why God had allowed me to lose the people I loved most.
I had spent birthdays alone.
Christmas mornings alone.
I had stopped decorating the house because there was nobody to enjoy it with me.
And then Lily had walked into my life.
I had believed I was saving her.
But perhaps she had saved something in me too.
THE QUESTION I WAS AFRAID TO ASK
Over the next few weeks, Margaret began visiting regularly.
Sometimes she brought photographs.
Sometimes she brought old children’s books that Sarah had loved.
And sometimes she simply sat with Lily and told her stories about her mother.
One afternoon, Margaret and I sat on the porch while Lily played in the garden.
Margaret looked at me.
“Can I ask you something?”
“Of course.”
“Would you ever consider letting me have a more permanent place in Lily’s life?”
I understood what she meant.
She wasn’t asking to take Lily away.
She was asking to be her grandmother.
I reached for her hand.
“Margaret, Lily deserves to know where she comes from. She deserves every person who loves her.”
She began crying.
“But she’s legally your daughter now.”
“And I’m her mother,” I said. “That doesn’t mean she can’t have a grandmother.”
Margaret smiled.
For the first time since meeting her, she looked peaceful.
We arranged regular visits and made sure everything was handled properly through our adoption attorney.
I also asked him to help us preserve Sarah’s letters and photographs so Lily could have them when she was older.
There would be no secrets.
No pretending that her first mother had never existed.
No making her feel guilty for loving more than one person.
Lily deserved the truth, told with kindness.
THE DAY LILY CALLED HER GRANDMA
A few months passed.
One Sunday morning, Margaret came over for lunch.
I was preparing sandwiches when Lily ran into the kitchen.
“Grandma!”
I turned around.
“Yes, sweetheart?”
But she wasn’t looking at me.
She was looking toward the front door.
Margaret had just walked in.
Lily ran straight into her arms.
“Grandma Margaret!”
Margaret froze.
Then she looked at me.
Her eyes filled with tears.
“Did she just…”
I nodded.
“Yes.”
Margaret knelt down and hugged Lily tightly.
“Oh, my darling.”
Lily pulled back.
“Why are you crying?”
Margaret smiled.
“Because sometimes people cry when they’re very happy.”
Lily considered this for a moment.
Then she reached up and wiped Margaret’s cheek with her little hand.
“Don’t cry. We’re having lunch.”
We all laughed.
And that day, for the first time in many years, my house was filled with the kind of happiness I thought I would never experience again.