Part 3 — What David Did for Eighteen Months
David’s visiting began in month three. The month the withdrawing began. The month the calls became less frequent. The month the gap opened.
David told me this in the maternity room. After the recognition. After the pallor. After Sophie looked at me from the bed with the baby in her arms and the looking was the particular, she-is-here, she-finally-came, the-coming-is-eighteen-months-late look of a young woman whose young woman had been waiting for the person the promise was made by and the waiting had lasted eighteen months and the eighteen months ended in a maternity room.
David told me he started visiting Sophie because Sophie called him. Not me. Sophie called David because the calling-me had been producing the voicemail and the voicemail was the response the withdrawing generated and the generating was the thing Sophie experienced as the rejection and the rejection was the thing Sophie could not continue calling into.
Sophie called David. She asked David whether I was angry with her. She asked David whether she had done something wrong. She asked David whether the withdrawing was the punishment and the punishing was the thing Sophie was trying to understand.
The questions broke David. The particular, a-twenty-one-year-old-is-asking-whether-she-did-something-wrong, the-asking-is-the-evidence-that-the-withdrawing-is-producing-the-self-blame, the-self-blame-is-the-thing-I-cannot-allow devastation that a man experiences when the man hears a young woman whose mother has d!ed asking whether the not-calling is her fault and the fault-assigning is the thing the man cannot permit.
David told Sophie the withdrawing was not her fault. He told Sophie the withdrawing was the grief’s product. He told Sophie the grief was mine and the mine’s processing was the withdrawing and the withdrawing was the processing’s method and the method was not directed at Sophie even though the method’s effect was directed at Sophie because the effect does not distinguish between the intention and the impact.
David told Sophie he would be there. He told her the being-there was his promise. Not Danielle’s promise to me. His promise. Made at a kitchen table. To a twenty-one-year-old girl whose girl needed someone and whose someone was not the person Danielle designated because the designated person had withdrawn.
David visited Sophie weekly. He checked on her. He helped with the apartment when the apartment needed the helping. He took Sophie to the dentist when the dentist appointment required the driving and the driving was the thing Sophie did not have because Sophie did not have a car and the not-having was the condition the alone produced.
David did not tell me. The not-telling was the particular, deliberate, she-will-feel-guilty, the-guilt-will-produce-the-obligation, the-obligation-is-not-the-caring, the-caring-must-be-chosen decision that David made when David assessed that the telling would produce my guilt and the guilt would produce the obligatory visiting and the obligatory was not the thing Sophie needed because Sophie needed the genuine and the genuine was the thing the obligation could not produce.
David wanted me to return to Sophie because the returning was chosen. Not because the returning was produced by the guilt the telling would generate. The returning had to be the choosing. And the choosing had to be mine. And the mine required the grieving’s processing and the processing required the time the processing demanded and the demanding was the thing David was waiting for.
David waited. For eighteen months. While visiting Sophie. While maintaining the connection. While performing the promise I broke.
Six months ago, Sophie told David she was pregnant.
The pregnancy was unplanned. The father was a man Sophie had been seeing for three months. The man left when the pregnancy was disclosed. The leaving was the particular, the-pattern, Sophie’s-father-left, the-baby’s-father-left, the-leaving-is-the-pattern, the-pattern-is-the-men repetition that the leaving had performed across two generations and the performing was the thing Sophie experienced and the experiencing was the alone performed again.
Sophie was alone. Pregnant. Twenty-three. The alone that was the condition Danielle asked me to prevent through the promise I broke.
David was there. David drove Sophie to the prenatal appointments. David helped Sophie prepare the apartment for the baby. David was the person Sophie called when the contractions started. David drove Sophie to the hospital. David was in the waiting room when Sophie’s baby was born.
The baby was born three days before my surgery. The timing was the particular, both-events-in-the-same-hospital, the-hospital-holds-both, the-maternity-ward-and-the-surgical-ward, the-two-wards-hold-the-two-events coincidence that the timing produced and the producing placed David inside a hospital that contained his wife and the girl his wife had promised to look after and the two were in different wards and the different was the hallway and the hallway was the left and the right and David walked both.
David visited Sophie every day because Sophie had no one else. The every-day was the thing the nurse observed. The nurse saw David every day because David came every day. David came every day because the every-day was the thing Sophie’s alone required.
David visited me two or three times a week because the two-or-three was the frequency the every-day-for-Sophie permitted. David’s days contained the driving-to-the-hospital and the visiting-Sophie and the visiting-me and the particular, splitting, the-time-is-divided, the-dividing-is-performed-between-the-two allocation that David performed because the allocating was the only option the two-events-in-the-same-hospital produced.
David walked left for Sophie. David walked right for me. The left and the right were the hallway’s two directions. The two directions held the two people David was visiting. The two people were inside the same building and the same man’s care and the same man’s time.
David did not tell me about Sophie because the telling would have been performed inside the hospital bed and the hospital bed was the location of the recovery and the recovery required the particular, no-stress, the-doctors-said-rest, the-resting-is-the-condition-the-recovery-demands environment that the doctors prescribed and the prescribing meant the telling’s stress was the thing the environment could not accommodate.
David planned to tell me after the recovery. After the discharge. After the particular, home, rested, the-body-has-healed, the-healing-permits-the-conversation condition that David was waiting for because the waiting was the timing and the timing was the thing David was managing.
The nurse disrupted the timing. The nurse’s disclosure produced the hallway. The hallway produced the following. The following produced the maternity room. The maternity room produced the recognition.
The timing David was managing was managed instead by a nurse who saw a tall man with gray hair and a blue jacket every day and who told the man’s wife the man was there every day and the telling was the thing that disrupted everything David was managing.
Part 4 — What Sophie Said to Me in the Room
Sophie looked at me from the bed.
The looking was the particular, eighteen-months, the-eighteen-months-are-in-the-looking, the-looking-contains-the-withdrawing-and-the-alone-and-the-pregnancy-and-the-baby accumulated looking of a young woman whose young woman has been waiting for a person and the waiting lasted eighteen months and the person is now in the doorway holding a walker.
She told me she missed me.
The sentence landed with the particular, three-words, the-three-words-contain-the-eighteen-months, the-eighteen-months-are-inside-the-missed weight of a sentence spoken by a young woman whose missing has been the condition the withdrawing produced and the producing lasted eighteen months and the eighteen months are inside the three words.
She told me she understood. She told me the understanding was produced by David’s explaining. David explained the grief. David explained the triggering. David explained the face and the resemblance and the particular, every-time-Aunt-Beth-sees-you-she-sees-your-mother, the-seeing-is-the-grieving, the-grieving-is-the-withdrawing mechanism that David described to Sophie so Sophie would not believe the withdrawing was the rejection the withdrawing appeared to be.
She told me she looked like her mother. She told me the looking-like was the thing she could not change. She told me the not-changing was the genetics and the genetics were the thing her mother gave her and the giving was the face and the face was the thing the grief could not separate from the loss because the face and the loss were connected by the resemblance and the resemblance was the permanent reminder.
She told me she waited for me to come back. She told me the waiting was performed across the eighteen months. She told me the waiting was the hoping and the hoping was the thing David’s visiting maintained because David’s visiting said the connection was alive and the alive meant the returning was possible and the possible was the thing the hoping was about.
Then she held the baby toward me.
The holding-toward was the particular, this-is-for-you, the-for-you-is-the-offering, the-offering-is-the-baby gesture of a young woman whose young woman is offering her baby to the woman who withdrew and whose withdrawing is being answered by the offering because the offering is the trust and the trust is the thing the eighteen months did not eliminate.
The trust survived the withdrawing. The trust was maintained by David’s visiting. The visiting said the connection was alive. The alive said the returning was possible. And the possible maintained the trust.
Sophie told me the baby’s name.
She told me the baby’s name was Danielle.
Danielle. Named for the mother. Named for the friend. Named for the woman who asked me to look after Sophie at a hospital bed and whose asking was the promise I broke and whose name was now on the baby the promise’s breaking had been performing its absence inside of.
I held the baby.
I held Danielle.
The holding was the particular, newborn, three-days-old, the-weight-is-the-lightness, the-lightness-is-the-heaviest-thing-I-have-ever-held holding of a baby whose baby’s weight was seven pounds and whose seven pounds contained the name and the name contained the friend and the friend contained the promise and the promise contained the eighteen months and the eighteen months contained the withdrawing and the withdrawing was the thing the holding was now addressing because the holding was the returning and the returning was the thing the withdrawing denied.
I cried. The particular, standing-in-the-maternity-ward, holding-a-baby-named-Danielle, the-baby-is-the-promise, the-promise-is-the-friend, the-friend-is-the-name, I-broke-the-promise-and-the-promise-is-in-my-arms crying of a woman whose crying is the grief and the guilt and the love performed simultaneously because the three cannot be separated and the not-separating is the crying and the crying is the only response the three can share.
David stood beside me. He placed his hand on my back. The particular, I-am-here, the-here-is-the-thing-I-have-been, I-have-been-here-for-eighteen-months, the-months-were-the-filling, the-filling-was-the-gap-you-left presence of a man whose presence was the thing that maintained the connection the withdrawing was severing.
I told Sophie I was sorry.
The sorry covered the eighteen months. The not-calling. The not-visiting. The voicemails Sophie left that I did not return. The particular, comprehensive, every-component-of-the-withdrawing, the-withdrawing-is-the-thing-the-sorry-addresses totality of the sorry that the eighteen months required.
Sophie told me the sorry was received. She told me the receiving was the thing the eighteen months had been waiting for. She told me the waiting was over.
She told me Danielle was waiting too.
She meant the baby. The baby whose name was the friend. The baby whose baby had been waiting for Aunt Beth because Aunt Beth was the name the waiting was directed at and the directing was the promise and the promise said Aunt Beth would be there and the being-there was now being performed in the maternity room eighteen months late.
The being-there was late. The being-there arrived.
