This wouldn’t be the last time I would cheat over the next year. I did it multiple times. There were a few more guys from clubs and a waiter that I used to flirt with. And of course my husband eventually caught me. He was crushed and I begged and cried and pleaded. Again I thought I loved him.

He took a day to think it over. He told me he didn’t want a divorce because of the kids. He said that when he chose to have kids that he would always put their happiness over his own. I was a good mother, horrible wife but a good mother.

But he wanted to make me aware of how things would be going forward. He said that I could not possibly love him because it’s impossible to disrespect someone you love this much. He said I wasn’t the person he thought I was and if I wanted to stay for the kids and play house then he would be ok with it. But the marriage as he knew it was over. I was so desperate to keep him in any way I agreed.

Fast forward 6 years and we were still married raising our kids. I had been to a lot of therapy and had begun to hate the person that I was. I was a selfish narcissist that only cared about my own satisfaction. I also realized that at the time I really didn’t love my husband. I thought I did but I really didn’t. Nobody that truly loved someone could do what I did.

Now at 32, the kind of men I used to be into now repulsed me. My tastes had changed and I found myself falling in love with my husband but for real this time. We had started having sex again a year after I cheated simply out of need for the both of us. I never cheated again and neither did he so we would just have loveless, often dirty sex when the mood struck. But over the past year that sex had become more passionate and loving.

We both felt it and had a talk. We finally went to couples counseling and started dating. Two years later we renewed our vows.

I’m 38 now and we’ve been married for 15 years and I can honestly say he is the love of my life. I wasn’t ready for him when I met him. I was too young and selfish and still into cocky assholes. I would never dream of cheating on him now. Even light flirting from other men grosses me out. I grew up. I don’t really have a moral to my story so take from it what you will.

EDIT

I want to add that my husband did not forgive me for many years. We didn’t go to couples counseling because he didn’t want to reconcile. We basically broke up for about 5 or 6 years but still lived together.

He stayed and devoted his life to the kids because he couldn’t stand it if he didn’t get to see them every day. Then over time once I proved that I was a different person he let me in slowly but even that took a few years.